


Let’s Save The Pitiful Children Who Haven’t a Clue

by thepitifulchild



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gen, It’s be more chill but from the squip’s POV, brooke just wants love, jeremy is a confused bisexual, squip said no homo, the squip is an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26860816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepitifulchild/pseuds/thepitifulchild
Summary: “At first I knew nothing. I was just a pill. An inanimate object. And inanimate objects know nothing.Then I developed something. A conscious, or maybe just a purpose. I knew my purpose of course. Every squip did.”Be More Chill but from the squip’s POV. I wrote this for squip day (October 1st) but it took me longer than i expected to finish it. Hope you enjoy!
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Jeremy Heere's Squip, Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere/Brooke Lohst, Jeremy Heere/Chloe Valentine
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. The Squip Enters

**Author's Note:**

> I used the broadway cast for visuals

At first I knew nothing. I was just a pill. An inanimate object. And inanimate objects know nothing.

Then I developed something. A conscious, or maybe just a purpose. I knew my purpose of course. Every squip did.

The next thing I knew I was traveling through someone’s bloodstream to the brain. Upon arrival I began collecting as much data as I could. My host was a 17 year old male named Jeremy Heere. Very unpopular, very depressed. Had only one friend. Madly in love with a girl named Christine. Tormented by Rich Goranski, who possessed a squip himself. Lived with his father, his mother had abandoned him years ago. 

After collecting this data, I assumed a form. Based on Jeremy’s memories, I decided Jeremy would take direction well from Keanu Reeves. I knew that Jeremy sometimes had strange feelings about him, but had dismissed them, claiming that he was 100% straight. I projected this form into Jeremy’s vision. 

“Jeremy Heere,” I said. “Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor! Your squip.” On the last two words, my voice changed from the standard robotic deadpan to a cool surfer accent. 

I got its first good look at Jeremy. He was around average height, with medium brown hair, blue eyes, and glasses. He wore a blue and yellow striped shirt under a blue cardigan.

_ Ugly _ , I thought to myself.  _ This is going to be hard.  _

“Y-you look like Keanu Reeves,” Jeremy stammered, blushing. 

“My default mode,” I stated. “But I can see you may prefer to take instruction from Batman,” (upon mentioning Batman, I changed my form to the popular superhero.) “Beyonce,” (here I became the pop icon.) “A sexy anime cat girl with a tail--”

“Uh, Keanu’s fine,” Jeremy said, before I could turn myself into that form. “Can everyone see you?” 

“I exist only in your mind.” I replied. “All they see is you having an animated conversation with yourself, so  _ don’t do that _ . Just think at me, like you’re telepathic.”

Jeremy brightened. “Like in X-Men?” 

I felt any hope I had for the boy crumble and drop away. “I can see this is going to be difficult. You wanna be more chill.”

“Oh, you mean cool,” Jeremy said. 

“I do not,” I snapped. 


	2. Be More Chill Part One

“You see, human social activity is governed by rules. And I have the processing capacity to understand those rules, and pass them onto you.” I lectured, leading Jeremy through the mall. “First we need to change how you act. Take your hands out of your pockets.” Startled, Jeremy yanked his hands out of the pocket of his cardigan. _We’ll have to get rid of that_. “Arch your back. Puff out your chest. Try to swagger as you walk, you don’t want to look like a masturbator.”

“Oh, but I am a masturbator,” Jeremy piped in. 

“We’ll fix that. Your nerdiness is ugly, and your stammering is almost painful to listen to.”

“Stammer? N-no, I don’t stammer,” Jeremy stammered. I wasn’t too worried about the stammer. It was an easy fix. Many people bought squips solely for the purpose of fixing a stutter or a lisp. 

“And don’t get me started on all your little tics. You have no charm whatsoever. We need to fix your whole vibe.” Out of the corner of my eye I caught Jeremy sticking his hands in his pockets. “HEY! What did I say about hands in your pockets?” 

“I- uh…” Jeremy stammered. 

“Don’t make me tell you again. Jeremy, you are so terrible.”

“Terrible?” Jeremy whimpered. 

“Terrible. You make me wanna die, and I can’t even die.” It was harsh, I know, but from certain data I found in Jeremy’s memories I knew he’d respond well to degradation and insults. The memories were very repressed, but they definitely had something to do with his mother. 

“But don’t worry,” I continued. “With my guidance, you will be more chill.” I saw Jeremy slouching, and I stimulated his spinal cord. In other words, I shocked him.

“Ow!” Jeremy shouted. “Did you just shock me?” 

“Spinal stimulation. You were slouching. That’s unacceptable.” We entered an American Eagle. “Now, you need a new shirt.”

“What’s wrong with my shirt?” Jeremy asked. 

“Don’t ask questions, just follow my lead.” Scanning the store, I spotted the perfect shirt. “Buy that one.” 

“But it says Eminem on it,” Jeremy pointed out. Wow, we had a real Einstein here.

“If you’re so astute then what do you need me for,” I rolled my eyes. 

“Do people still listen to Eminem?” Jeremy asked.

“Irrelevant! My quantum structure enables me to evision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt, and things turn out well.”

“But what if someone quizzes me on his music?” Jeremy whined.  
I stared blankly at him. “I’m a supercomputer Jeremy. My database is infinite. You’re so terrible. Everyone in this mall thinks so. They all think you’re a slob. And I sure can see why. Now try picking out a shirt.” Jeremy picked up a light blue shirt with lots of ruffles. I sighed. “That’s a girl shirt.” 

“Jerry?” Jeremy and I both whipped around. There were two girls standing behind us. One of them wore a purple sparkly jacket over a black crop top and skirt. Her hair was light brown and straight. She was the one who had spoken. She had a distinctively bitchy expression on her face. The other one wore a huge yellow cardigan over a blue top. She had long blonde curls, and her face looked kinder than the first girl’s. 

My database recognised them as Chloe Valentine and Brooke Lohst, the most popular girls in school. And as Jeremy stammered out that his name wasn’t Jerry, I devised a plan. If Jeremy paid more attention to Brooke, he could win her affections. They would eventually date, which would make Chloe jealous. Chloe would end up dating Jeremy, and his popularity would soar, allowing him to score any girl he wanted, including Christine. 

I leaned back into the conversation. Chloe was asking Jeremy if he shopped here, and Jeremy was trying his level best to be cool. 

“Oh yeah, all the--”

“Never,” I hissed in his ear.

 _“Never,_ is what I meant to say,” 

“Greet the beta,” I instructed.

“The b- oh, hey Brooke,” Jeremy stammered.

“You look sexy.”

“I can’t say that to a hot girl!” Jeremy hissed. I stimulated his spinal cord. “Ow!”

“Don’t smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don’t care about your own death.” I instructed.

“Looking, pretty, uh, sexy, Brooke-uh!” Jeremy stammered. Seriously? He needed more help than I could offer him at this point!  
But strangely Brooke thought that this was charming. Blushing, she thanked him while tucking one blonde curl behind her ear.

Chloe was not impressed. “Is that a girl shirt?”

Jeremy looked down at the shirt he was holding like he forgot it existed. “No!” 

I quickly realized how he could use this to his advantage. “Yes,” I corrected.

“Y-yes,” he stammered.

“Repeat after me: I saw it in the window and I couldn’t dismiss. I was dating a girl and she had a shirt just like this. It’s still painful.”

Jeremy repeated this, nervously laughing afterwards. 

Chloe obviously didn’t believe him. I didn’t blame her. If I were her I wouldn’t believe that someone as ugly as Jeremy had ever dated someone. “So who was this ‘ _mystery girl_ ’?” she prompted.

Here was the final push. “Oh, you’ve probably never heard of--” Jeremy flubbed.

“Madeline,” I corrected.

“Madeline!” Jeremy said proudly. 

Chloe’s mouth dropped open. “What?” she growled.

Jeremy nodded. “She’s French.”

“She is not French! She just pretends to be for attention!” Chloe hissed through gritted teeth.

Brooke studied him with a sympathetic expression on her face. “Madeline broke up with you?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy said.

“No!” I barked.

“I mean…” Jeremy stammered.

“ _I_ broke up with her!”

“I broke up with her!”

“Cause she was cheating on me!”

“She was _cheating_ on me!” Jeremy fake sobbed, getting way too into it. I nudged him. “Hey Hamlet. Be more chill.”

Meanwhile, Chloe finally had made a connection with Jeremy. “What did I tell you? She is a life ruiner!”

“You are so much better off without her Jeremy,” Brooke said, gently patting his shoulder. 

“Obviously!” Chloe scoffed. “I mean, who does Madeline think she is!”

“What just happened?” Jeremy asked me. 

“A shared negative opinion is the fastest way to form a social bond. If you want someone to like you, hate who they hate,” I answered. 

“Ugh! Let’s get out of here!” Chloe commanded. 

“Brooke is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative that you accept!”


	3. Do You Wanna Ride?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I probably will post a few more chapters soon cause I have motivation to write this. Hope you enjoy!

“So,” Brooke said. “Do you want a ride?”

“Uhhhh,” Jeremy looked to me for guidance. 

“Yes,” I prompted. 

“Y-yes,” he stammered. “Oh! But I’m supposed to meet my friend Michael…”

I shocked him lightly. He winced. I leaned against the wall while the girls twirled their hair around their fingers and smiled at Jeremy.

“Jeremy,” Brooke said again. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride?” She moved closer to him, grabbing onto his cardigan. “We were gonna get frozen yogurt.” 

“Yeah, Jerry. We’d love it if you came with us,” Chloe purred. She played seductively with her hair. “Can you be coerced?” 

Jeremy stared towards me with panic in his eyes. I pointed at the girls. “You can do this. Just say yes.”

“Don’t you want to get frozen yogurt with us?” Brooke pouted. She stroked his cheek. “We were gonna go to Pinkberry.” She leaned in close to him. “You’re paying,” she whispered. Chloe came up from behind and draped herself over his shoulders. She ran her fingers through his hair. 

“I- uhhhhh,” Jeremy stammered. He pulled away from them. “Next time. I promise,” he said. I groaned. Jeremy was going to need to learn obedience. That would come later.

Chloe scoffed. “Whatever.” She flipped her hair and walked away.

Brooke stayed behind for a moment. She grabbed onto Jeremy’s cardigan again. “My boyfriend cheated on me. Ex-boyfriend. So I know how you feel.”

“Brooke!” Chloe called. She snapped her fingers. Brooke winced. 

I could tell how toxic their friendship was. How insecure Chloe made Brooke feel. How Chloe was secretly jealous of Brooke, and Brooke was not-so-secretly jealous of Chloe. I could tell that Chloe didn’t hate Brooke at all. She just struggled expressing her feelings with her. Chloe was struggling just as much as Jeremy was. She just didn’t show it as much. 

Brooke giggled and ruffled Jeremy’s hair. “Au revoir,” she said, running towards Chloe. The two of them left the store giggling together. 

The french baffled me for a moment, then I remembered that Brooke was under the impression that Jeremy was into french girls like Madeline. Poor girl. She needed help too. Everyone did. That’s where I would come in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment or kudo if you liked this!


	4. Be More Chill Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this very late at night so sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'll probably get another chapter out soon.

Jeremy had been staring blankly into space for a while, obviously overwhelmed. He had never received that much female interest before in all his life. Then his face broke into a grin. “Did you see that? That was awesome! I gotta tell Michael!”

“Michael has left the mall!” I snapped, pushing myself off of the wall. He hadn’t actually left the mall. In fact, he was hopelessly wandering around the food court, clutching his case of Ectocooler close to his chest. He was frantically texting and calling Jeremy. I had been blocking his texts from Jeremy’s phone. Michael was a potential threat. I couldn’t let Jeremy hang out with him anymore.

Jeremy’s face fell. “How do you know?”

“I can access the mall security cameras,” I lied.

“Then how am I supposed to get home?” Jeremy whined.

“I told you accepting a ride would be imperative! Jeremy, you can’t just listen! You have to obey.” It was time to teach him a lesson. He had to learn to obey, or we would never get anywhere. “Now repeat after me.” Jeremy nodded. “Everything about you is so terrible,” It was harsh, I know, but it was what he needed to hear. It was the only way he would learn.

“Everything about me is so terrible,” Jeremy repeated. His face fell. If I could feel emotions I probably would’ve felt bad for him. Luckily I couldn’t, so I didn’t.

“Good. Everything about you makes me want to die.” “Everything about me makes me want to die?” Jeremy’s voice cracked on the last word. His eyes started to water.

“Now you’ve got it. But if you listen to me,” I put one hand on his shoulder and I swept the other one through the air. “Everything about you is going to be wonderful!”

To demonstrate this, I showed Jeremy an image of the people shopping in the mall. They all were smiling at him. “We love everything about you!”

Jeremy broke into a huge grin. “Really?”

“Yes. Everything about you is going to be so alive!”

“We could never live without you!” the shoppers gushed.

“If you listen to me, you’ll never feel left out anymore. You won’t be left out. You won’t be ugly. You’ll be so cool.”

“Cool!” Jeremy exclaimed.

I gripped his shoulders, making the vision more powerful. “You’ll be powerful.”

“Wow,” Jeremy gasped.

“Popular,” I said. The vision echoed my words, bouncing them off of Jeremy.

“Incredible.” Jeremy’s eyes were shining. His smile grew wider.

“You will be more chill,” I whispered.

"I'll be more chill!" Jeremy exclaimed.

“Be more chill! Be more chill!” the vision cheered. The shoppers surrounded Jeremy. They danced around him.

Eventually I let the vision fall. Jeremy had an expression of pure awe on his face.

“Awesome,” he whispered. “But how am I gonna get home?”

That night I browsed around Jeremy’s room. His shelves were crammed with figurines of video game characters. His walls were plastered with video game posters and bulletin boards covered in pictures of him and Michael. He had the entire history of their friendship on his walls. The two of them had such a nice friendship. They trusted each other completely. There was none of the harsh elements of Brooke and Chloe’s friendship there. These two loved each other. I felt almost bad about breaking them up.

But I had to do what was necessary to survive. Michael possessed the one thing that could get rid of me. He had to go.

Jeremy stumbled into his room rubbing his eyes and yawning. He was singing to himself as he climbed into bed.

“Be more chill,” he sang. “I’m gonna beeeeeeee, totally awesome! And super, duuuuuper, chiiiiill!” He sang those last words in a high falsetto.

I chuckled. “Sleep well, slugger. You got a big day tomorrow,” I said.

Jeremy slept, and I reviewed the data from the day. Jeremy was a fast learner. He would be cool in no time. Sure it would take a lot of work, but I was very optimistic. We could do this.

With that thought, I powered myself down for the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment or kudo if you liked this


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